Why Your Body is Perfect but Mine Needs Work: A Solomon's Paradox
How to channel your inner sage and give yourself the best advice.
In a fit for self-betterment (read: crippling insecurity) I decided to hire a dietician to help undo a year's worth of quarantine-eating (more like bored eating). If you look at me, you wouldn't say that I "need" a lifestyle or diet adjustment. But in my head, I know do. I looked a certain way before I was forced to remain within the confines of my teeny-tiny Bay Area apartment, and I'd like to go back to that. In fact, I'd like to look a whole lot better. And there's nothing wrong with that.
But I did make my current self feel less fabulous than future Tara. I noticed that on this look-fabulous journey, I'd been more critical of myself than I was before I started, and who knows I might get even more critical when I go back to buying XS and weighing just a 100 lbs. And there's plenty wrong with that.
How did things get this way?
I think you know.
COMPARISON
As I was eating what I wanted, I didn't compare myself against the Insta-models on my feed or fitness enthusiasts. I was having my cake, and eating it too. I've perfected making brownies and cheesecakes (yes plural: NY, basque, Japanese, blueberry, lemon). But now that I consume 0 sugar and only 4gms of Carbs a day, I look at myself differently. After all, these sacrifices have to appease the belly flab gods, don't they?! When I saw washboard abs and thigh gaps, I couldn't wait to look like that. So when I'd walk up to the mirror to take an OOTD picture, and not see a thigh gap or spot a little bulge. I'd be discouraged from posting or even taking that photo. Maybe tomorrow, I'd tell myself.
Then a couple of days ago, my most gorgeous friend didn't want me sharing photos of her because she thought she looked ugly. I was gobsmacked. What was wrong with her? I told her that if I looked like her, I'd be so proud of my appearance that a day wouldn't go by without a little self-love. She simply dismissed what I said, saying that I was just saying that because we were friends. That wasn't true. (I'm not a very nice friend - You can ask my friends.)
I was being objective and honest with her.
Something I'm just not with myself.
It seems like I'm not the only one who does that. It's something we all do. We reserve the very best of our objectivity and honesty for others, not for ourselves. This is something they call 'Solomon's Paradox'.
It comes from King Solomon, who was venerated as a great sage and man of wisdom back in his day. People would travel far and wide to get his advice. And for the most part, that's how he's remembered in the history books. However, his personal life was a completely different story. He wasn't good with planning his finances or succession. As a result, his heir went on to ruin their kingdom. And thus, 'Solomon’s Paradox'. When you have plenty of wisdom for others, but none for yourself.
It's a real problem we all face. Begging the question: how do you objectively look at yourself? How would you know that you need sage advice? Do you wait until you see someone else making the same mistakes? But how often do we all live clichéd lives where we find similar problems manifest in people around us? So, for those of us that aren't Carrie Bradshaw, how do we spare some counsel for the one who needs it most? (namely: you)
Well, after I psychoanalyzed my behavior and that of the people I advise, here's what I realized:
DISTANCE: It's easy to tell your friends how to fix their lives because you know only part of what they're going through
CLARITY: Even though you don't know the whole story, you know enough to help identify a solid conclusion
RESISTANCE: Your friends will always have reasons why they can't follow your advice
RESOLVE: Most often, you don't just buy your friends' excuses. You urge them to find the strength and navigate through their problems
INACTION: You have no control here. Your friend will probably not listen to you and keep doing that stupid thing they were doing (or not do that risky thing they've always dreamed of)
So save the wisdom for yourself and try following the same approach:
DISTANCE: Don't look at your problem as your own. Look at it as if it belongs to a friend
CLARITY: As with a friend, go with the simplest solution you can offer
RESISTANCE: You know you can't hide anything from yourself. You know what your excuses are. So lay them out
RESOLVE: This is a bit hard. But it's what you've been doing for your friends, so why not give it a try for yourself. Dispel every one of the excuses that you laid out
ACTION: You decide what happens next
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Insights Galore. I gained a few pounds 😄 of wisdom 😂
Woww amazing write up dear🤗keep it up ...lot to learn from u❤️🤗